log 03: grrrls go games

october 15th, 2025

 

greetings and salutations! i've certainly returned far quicker than anyone could have anticipated, but in my defense, i did finally get a grip and i have some very noteworthy things to update... *checks notes* literally nobody on! i wonder if people actually read these.

last time i was more or less just rambling about being forced to learn blender which pissed me off, so now i'm going to ramble about my experiences as a young woman in the game dev scene and how that shit pisses me off BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY how that got me to get my shit straight. so basically, this is going to require one hell of a preface.

FAIR WARNING: this is more of a blog than a devlog, to be quite frank. maybe even closer to a diary entry... a lot more emotional and philosophical and vague... i'll probably delete this at some point... but i do discuss game development and the specifics of it.. to an extent... um... what an official and competent devlog! so, let's begin! as a woman who likes techy stuff, i've obviously faced the extremely typical bullshit most women in similar circles do. there's been this and that, but more often than not there's a specific type of comment i get from arrogant boys who think they know better:

"yeah but... are you sure you know what you're doing?"

there probably are situations where comments like these are completely warranted, but i sure as fuck haven't encountered any of them. having a man doubt your work with the least fucking context available is the worst shit ever. if i had a fucking nickel for every single time a man got on my case about something i'm doing with my game without knowing what i'm actually even doing...

as you can probably tell from the way the section above is written, things like these get me so pissed i was just about ready to break my keyboard in half and REALLY blend in with the disgustingly male game development scene, and it just so happens that there is nothing that gets me to work harder than sheer fucking spite! the last time a guy told me something along those lines i wrote a 75 page essay and made fun of him in front of an auditorium with ~130 people. this time i implemented a full boss fight and three new levels in one day, along with barebones multiplayer! eat shit and die, everyone

while this might not mean much to onlookers (because as i mentioned, nobody actually knows what i'm doing other than myself..), this is actually a really big deal! mostly because this means that as of today, approx. 80% of the game is playable. not done, mind you, but fully playable! and for someone who started with a completely foreign engine and programming language in january with zero experience in 3D game dev, getting to this point in ~8 months of active development is something to be proud of, no? (and most importantly, a complete 'fuck you' to all the men who get on my case about it. let's see you try this.)

now, angry young lady tangents aside, this more or less means that i might be able to get out a demo sooner rather than later. i was aiming to get a demo done by the time i get into uni, but hell, with the way things are going i might be able to get one out by the end of 2026!! that's actually crazy!! a big contributing factor to this was definitely the fact i shaved down my original hazy concept for the game by a few levels and suddenly everything seems a lot more.. achievable. back when i was just beginning development in january of this year there was this feeling. a feeling i can't really describe, so i've dubbed it "sparkles"! i've named it as such because it feels like there are a bunch of sparkles inside my head aching to get out. i want to get the sparkles out and onto whatever canvas i'm working with, be it an actual canvas or an IDE. the sparkles fill my head and i can feel them in my eyes and i can't help but smile. the sparkles make me really happy and make the gloomiest winters sparkle with joy. in plain english, this is probably called inspiration

back in january my path was so clear and i knew what i wanted to do, i was so happy to do it. but as the months rolled by, the sparkles kind of dulled... but now? the sparkles are back. it's kind of like the anger i felt lit the whole thing up and the fire was sparkling so much!! i spent like an hour crying over how men keep doubting me but then i spent at least 6 hours dancing around because i managed to get so much done and there were SO MANY SPARKLES and all i could feel was a deep, profound happiness despite the fact i should have been angry, so it all evens out nicely! i'd even say this was a net positive! the saying goes "there's always a rainbow after the rain", which i would normally dismiss as boring and used exclusively by white millenial moms posting inspirational self-help content on their beige instagram profiles. unfortunately though, it applies to this situation, which is why i propose a new variant:

"there's always sparkles after a man gets on your nerves so bad you want to break shit."

i always knew i had it in me to become a world-renowned author, clearly. what i'm getting at here is that after figuring out what i was going to do, the fog cleared up and the sparkles returned. i can't wait for the winter, really. there's something about the northern winter that just gets me to code like crazy. about a year ago i was working on this javascript game project that involved backend. which was a nightmare i'm glad i had to stop working on it due to fundamental issues. i kept up with that project until january, when i switched to paranormal research society! those few months were probably the best months of my life so far. i was shit at it but i had so much fun just holing up in my room with orange juice and microwave meals figuring out 3D physics, screaming and crying. there were so many sparkles.

so as i mentioned, in theory, i could release a demo right now! it'd be absolute dogshit, because i don't have finalized maps or graphics and i still need to rewrite my enemy AI for the third time, but i could do it! and that's what matters! i think it's necessary to appreciate milestones like these. although when i entertained the thought of releasing a demo last night, my heart dropped to my stomach and i scared myself somehow. but alas, what i need for a demo right now is to finish the map for the first level (which is something i need to get a move on with because it's a part of my art course grade now apparently) and figure out the enemy AI/level flow improvements because holy shit i am bad at these shooters. did you know this game is actually an extraction/horde shooter and not just a horde shooter? i sure as hell didn't. i literally found out about that like 20 minutes ago and it's been 10 months since i started development on this game

building the map for the headquarters took me about two months with a LOT of generous breaks, mostly for my matriculation exams?? also knitting. knitting took up a few weeks. but seeing as i do have my winter holidays (and thanks to the winter, i am anticipating LOTS of sparkles) along with the fact i probably won't be putting as much meticulous detail into this map compared to the HQ, i'd say getting a barebones demo out would take about 4-6 months or so! that doesn't sound like much, and i have lots and lots to do, but if i just find some condescending man to make pissy remarks about it and get pissed off enough i'll have the demo out in two months or less!

i'd rather not push myself to the brink like that, though. we'll see what happens! que sera sera... i don't really want to set deadlines for myself (that has never ended well) but i'm really eager to show everyone what i can do. the sparkles also really want to get out of my head. i have everything planned out to an extent and i have some really wonderful and supportive friends who make me feel really lucky (shout out to kumi) and who always cheer me up and say nice (????) things about my game even if it sucks ass right now. all in all, things are looking up for paranormal research society! i can't wait until everyone gets to meet the absolutely embarrassing excuse of a man i have for a protagonist and the disastrous entourage the rest of the cast consists of. i also really can't wait to have someone play my game voluntarily, without me having to stand someone holding them at gunpoint as i shove my laptop in front of them and tell them to play the shitty alpha build i have loaded up!

this isn't really a devlog. it's more about the feelings associated with game development. the spite, the sparkles, the total pipedreams and the people getting you through it all... i honestly think they're a core part of the experience, though. nobody really talks about this. i'm talking about it. that's what this is about, right? thanks for reading. you really should go pick up a proper book, i'm not kidding. this stuff isn't good for your brain. i hope to see you next time!

best regrets,
ellen alias catskulls

p.s. "a grand transformation — superstar! go wild, lose yourself in the moment! full speed ahead — sunny truck! go crazy, don't go home just yet!"
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